We didn't make this up. Across hundreds of women's posts on Reddit (r/AskWomen, r/sex, r/TwoXIndia), columns in Essence, advice from sex therapists quoted in WebMD, and DMs we get from ATOG readers - the same 100 tips keep coming up. Not the porn version. Not the "just last longer" version. The actual, specific, often-uncomfortable truth.
This isn't a list of vibes. It's 100 things. Read it slowly. We've grouped them by theme so you can come back to the parts that apply.
Quick Answer: What do most women want in bed? Specifics. Not "be a better lover" - but slower kissing, time on the clitoris, a sentence checking in, less rushing to penetration, and aftercare that doesn't feel transactional. The 100 tips below break this down.
1. Before You Even Touch Her: The 10 Tips Most Men Skip
- Foreplay starts at breakfast. A flirty text mid-afternoon does more work than 10 extra minutes in bed.
- Compliment her body in a specific place. "Your collarbone" lands harder than "you look hot."
- Hygiene is the cheapest aphrodisiac. Shower, clean nails, fresh breath, trimmed body hair if she's into that.
- Make eye contact at dinner. Researchers studying healthy couples find women rank sustained eye contact above "skill" when describing chemistry.
- Take a real shower together with no agenda. Washing her hair. Not foreplay-coded, but always remembered.
- Cook something. Or just clean up after her. Domestic effort is widely cited as the most under-rated form of seduction.
- Ditch the phone an hour before bed. She's tracking your attention all evening.
- Let her see you read a book or text a friend. Having an inner life is a turn-on. "Bored guy" is not.
- Smell matters more than cologne. Multiple studies have found women find the natural scent of a recently-showered partner more arousing than perfume.
- Tell her "I've been thinking about you" - and stop there. The pause is the seduction.
2. The Approach: Slow Is Faster Than You Think
- Don't reach for clothing in the first 5 minutes. Kissing. Touching over fabric. Build the heat first.
- Kiss her neck before her mouth. The neck has roughly 2x the nerve sensitivity of most other surfaces.
- Use the back of your hand on her face. Front of hand is functional. Back of hand is intimate.
- If you bite, do it once. Softly. On the shoulder. Then stop. Restraint is the kink.
- Hands on her hips before her chest. Anchors her, doesn't grab. The #1 forgotten move.
- Don't undress her like you're unwrapping a gift. Slow zippers. Hesitation. Eye contact between layers.
- Kiss the inside of her wrist. Yes. It works.
- Whisper her name once. Not a sentence - just her name, close to her ear.
- Stop and look at her fully clothed. Step back. Tell her how she looks.
- If she's still in her work clothes, leave them on for a while. The contrast is the point. (More on building anticipation in our guide to 9 foreplay moves women secretly crave.)
3. Foreplay: The Real Main Event (Per Every Survey, Ever)
- Plan to spend at least 20 minutes before penetration. Research consistently finds foreplay duration is one of the strongest predictors of female orgasm.
- Kiss her body in places that aren't obviously erotic. Inner elbow. Behind the knee. Above the hip bone.
- Use your hand and your mouth at the same time. Dual stimulation gets further than either alone.
- Slow down when she gets louder, not faster. Counterintuitive. Most men speed up. Don't.
- Tease the inner thigh - don't go straight there. Get close. Move away. Come back. Then closer.
- Oral sex is not a favour you give. It's part of sex. If you only ever offer it after she asks, she stops asking. (Worth reading: what women actually feel during oral sex.)
- Spend more time on her than she's expecting. The "wait, you're still down there?" reaction is the goal.
- Don't go too soft. Featherlight isn't usually the right pressure. Firm-but-patient wins.
- Pay attention to her hips. If they're lifting toward you, do exactly what you're doing for another 30 seconds. Do not change.
- If your tongue tires out, switch to a tongue-shaped toy. The Beon mimics the texture and rhythm without your jaw giving up.
Beon - Flick Tongue Massager
A tongue-mimic massager designed for the kind of slow, precise stimulation most men can't sustain for long enough. Body-safe silicone, rechargeable, whisper-quiet.
Shop NowBuy on Amazon4. The Clitoris: A Field Guide (Most Men Are Off By an Inch)
- It's not where you think. The visible part is the tip of an iceberg. The internal structure extends ~9 cm inside.
- The most sensitive part is usually the upper-left quadrant. Not the center. Ask her to guide you the first time.
- Direct contact often hurts at first. Approach from the side, through the hood. Gentler-than-you-think to start.
- Rhythm matters more than technique. Once you find something that works, don't change it. Repeat. (Deep dive: 98% of women orgasm from this pleasure spot.)
- Use lube. Always. Even if she's "wet enough." Friction is the enemy of long sessions.
- Try the "U" - trace the letter slowly with two fingers. Widely shared as a starter technique.
- Most clitoral orgasms take 8-15 minutes of consistent stimulation. Not 90 seconds.
- The clitoris reacts to pressure, not just speed. Adding weight (gentle) often does more than going faster.
- If your fingers cramp, switch to an air-pulse toy. Suction massagers like the Atria deliver pulses your hand physically can't replicate.
- After she comes, don't immediately move. Stay there. Gentle pressure. (More in our complete guide to 6 types of female orgasms.)
Atria - 3-in-1 Suction Massager
Air-pulse suction technology that delivers clitoral stimulation without direct contact. 10 frequencies, body-safe silicone, travel-friendly.
Shop NowBuy on Amazon5. Penetration: What Actually Feels Good
- Don't enter until she pulls you in. Verbally or with her hips. Wait for the signal.
- Shallow strokes work harder than deep ones. The most sensitive nerve endings are in the first 5 cm.
- Stop. Stay still. Look at her. Mid-act. Once. The effect is bigger than any move.
- Hands matter during penetration too. If your hands aren't doing anything, you're underusing yourself.
- Missionary, with a pillow under her hips. Changes the angle. Hits differently. Costs nothing.
- spooning is wildly underrated. Slower, deeper, more intimate. Less "performance" energy.
- Cowgirl: don't just lie there. Hands on her hips, eye contact, talk to her.
- Length is irrelevant. Angle is everything. The difference between "good" and "great" sex is usually 5 degrees of hip tilt.
- Slow your pace before you finish. The last 30 seconds of frantic thrusting actively un-does the previous 20 minutes. (More positions: 9 sex positions that help you last longer.)
- If you finish first, you don't get to be done. Hands. Mouth. Toys. The session ends when she does. (Reality check on how long sex should actually last.)
6. Rhythm, Pace & The Edge of Climax
- Find a pattern. Hold it. Once she's moaning, the worst thing you can do is "improve" what's working.
- Count to 10 between changes. Hold any rhythm for 10 full seconds before switching.
- Edging is not just for men. Bring her close, back off, bring her close again.
- Pause is not failure. A 5-second stop while you both breathe can re-set everything.
- Watch her breathing, not her face. Her face is more performance than truth. Her breath isn't.
- Slow when she clenches. Don't speed up. The clench means "almost." Speeding up often kills it.
- Hum during oral. The vibration adds a layer your mouth alone can't.
- Touch her face during sex. Most men forget the face exists once clothes are off.
- Don't narrate. "Are you close? Are you close?" pulls her out of it. Just keep going.
- Let silence happen. Heavy breathing in a quiet room is louder than dirty talk.
7. Communication: Words That Actually Work
- Ask "show me" instead of "what do you like?" Specific direction beats abstract questions every time.
- "I would love it if you ___" is the magic format. Sex therapist Diana Kirschner, PhD, in WebMD calls this the single most effective phrase for both genders.
- Tell her what you're going to do before you do it. Anticipation is half the experience.
- One genuine compliment is worth ten generic ones.
- Skip "you like that?" Replace with "tell me what you want next." Shifts her from validating to leading.
- Dirty talk doesn't have to be dirty. "I can't think about anything but you right now" outperforms 90% of porn-style scripts. (Full library: 50 dirty-talk prompts that actually work.)
- Whisper, don't speak. Lowering volume changes the entire register of the bedroom.
- Use her name during sex. Once. Maybe twice. Sparingly. It's a power move when rare.
- Talk about sex when you're not having sex. Best time: post-dinner walk. Worst time: mid-act.
- Ask once after - not what was good, but what she wants more of next time.
8. What She Wishes She Could Tell You (But Can't)
- She's thinking about whether her stomach looks weird in this position. Tell her she looks beautiful - but only if you mean it.
- The lights being off isn't sexy. It's a clue. Body insecurity. Address it directly outside the bedroom.
- She's tracking how much you want her. Performance anxiety isn't just a male thing.
- Period sex is fine if she's down. Stop making it weird. Towel. Shower. No big deal.
- She's not faking it as often as the internet suggests - but sometimes she is. Usually because correcting you mid-act feels worse.
- "It's not your fault, I'm just tired" usually is exactly that. Don't take it personally. Don't sulk.
- If she's quiet, it's not always good quiet. Disengaged hands = something's off.
- She probably hasn't had an orgasm from penetration alone. Statistics from large surveys put this at roughly 75% of women. It's anatomy, not a flaw.
- She wants to know you find her body attractive at 5 AM with no makeup. Not just on date nights.
- She'd rather you ask "are you ok?" once than fake-not-notice when something's off. Care is a kink.
9. Toys, Lube & Smart Helpers (Stop Being Threatened)
- A vibrator is not your competition. Treat it like a third hand. (New to this? Start with how to use a vibrator.)
- Use the toy on her, with you still inside. Most underrated couples move.
- Lube is not an admission of failure. Even very aroused women dry out during longer sessions.
- Water-based lube is forgiving for everything. Silicone lasts longer but kills silicone toys.
- The clitoral suction toy (Atria) is genuinely different from a vibrator. It pulls, doesn't buzz.
- Try a tongue-flick toy when your jaw is tired. The Beon is designed for this gap.
- Couples' vibrating rings (Halo/Nova) are for both of you. Clitoral contact during penetration + slight delay effect. (How-to: using a vibrating ring safely.)
- Charge the toys before. Not during. Killing the moment to find a cable is the single most common toy mistake.
- Clean toys after, not before next time. Body-safe silicone, warm water, mild soap, dry fully.
- If she wants to bring a toy in, that's not a rejection of you. It usually means she's comfortable enough to ask.
10. After: The 10 Minutes That Make Her Want You Again
- Don't immediately get up. The post-sex bolt to the bathroom or phone is the single most-cited mood-killer.
- Stay inside her for 30 seconds longer than you think. Just breathe together.
- Bring her water. Unprompted. Small move. Huge return.
- Eye contact while you both come down. A lot.
- Tell her one specific thing you loved. Not "that was great." Specific.
- Don't ask "did you finish?" if you didn't see/feel it clearly. Ask what would have helped, not did you.
- Shower together after, not before. Different mood. Lower-stakes intimacy.
- Don't fall asleep mid-sentence. Even 4 minutes of pillow talk before you crash matters.
- Send her one text the next morning. The signal: it mattered.
- Plan the next time without making it a transaction. "Wednesday is going to be a long day for me, can we do nothing on Wednesday night?" is sexier than scheduling sex itself.
The Bottom Line: Listen, And Everything Changes
If you took only one thing from these 100: women want to be heard, slowly, with specifics, by someone who isn't rushing. Skill is downstream of attention. Technique is downstream of patience.
This is also why ATOG exists - not to replace anything you're already doing, but to give you tools (the Beon, the Atria, the Halo) for the moments where your body needs a little help giving her what she's actually asking for. Better sex is rarely about more. It's about listening better.
And then doing exactly what she said.